Why Children Align with the Abuser (and Why It’s Not Their Fault)
It’s one of the hardest things a protective parent can experience. Watching their child align with the person who has caused so much harm.
It feels like betrayal. But in reality, it’s survival.
Children do not have the cognitive or emotional capacity to recognize coercive control for what it is.
Their developing brains are wired for attachment and protection, which means they will do whatever they must to stay safe – even if that means turning against the safe parent.
The Power Dynamic: Why Children Choose the Abuser
A child who has been conditioned by a coercive controller is making an impossible choice. They can:
- Align with the protective parent and risk the abuser’s retaliation.
- Align with the abuser and secure a sense of safety, even if it’s false.
To a child, the choice is clear. The coercive controller holds the power. Aligning with them may feel like the only way to avoid conflict, punishment, or withdrawal of love.
Cognitive Dissonance & Trauma Bonding
A child who has been exposed to coercive control is experiencing psychological fragmentation. They may remember feeling safe with the protective parent, but they are also hearing a steady stream of lies designed to make them question that reality.
They are caught between two conflicting truths:
- My protective parent loves me and has always been there for me.
- But my other parent says they are dangerous, crazy, or don’t really care about me.
This internal conflict creates cognitive dissonance, which children resolve by choosing the path of least resistance, and that most likely means aligning with the more powerful, more controlling parent.
The Attachment Can Never Be Entirely Broken
No matter how much the coercive controller manipulates them, the attachment between a child and their protective parent cannot be erased. It may be buried. It may be fragile. But it is still there.
And that is why your role is so critical.
In my next post, find out how you can maintain and rebuild connection.
