Dear child, I know that you thought you knew me so well, perhaps I was the fun parent and maybe even the one that did not make you do as many chores. Or maybe I was the bear in the home, or both intermittently. It could have been that my behaviors were mostly directed to your protective parent, but you saw it, you knew what was going on, you felt it, and this led you to feeling confused, never really knowing how I might react.
You often felt unsafe, and you certainly felt trapped. But you didn’t even really know it, but now you have figured it out. It took you some time, and I had to reinforce my coercion over you repeatedly. Experts call this coercive persuasion, but there is no mistaking it any longer. My love is conditional, and since your other parent has chosen to escape from this relationship, I will now need to intensify my control over you.
You will need to please me, possibly if you have already been doing this, or I will retaliate against the adult victim and perhaps you too. But you already know this, since you have seen what happens to the other parent when I do not get my way. You already know clearly that you can’t authentically be yourself, that I will not accept you as yourself, and in that, I am creating in you an ego compromise, impacting the development of your healthy ego.
Because every child deserves to know, and be loved unconditionally, to be able to be themselves freely with their parents, with their loved ones. I’ve stolen that from you. And what you’ve done is you’ve learned to cover that up. My retaliation for your protective parent escaping may be overt and covert, and again, both simultaneously.
I will undermine your relationship with the adult victim. I am maliciously fracturing that attachment every single moment of every single day. It all started on day one. I knew exactly what I had to do to ensure to retain control. I’m going to make you feel insecure, unsure of who to trust, and ultimately, you may decide to align with me simply to ensure that you do not receive the wrath of me.
You will begin to regulate your behaviors. Again, you can’t be yourself, you’re going to anticipate my reaction, and you’re learning very readily how to cover up how you really feel. I also may play the hero by giving you exactly what you want, as much freedom as you request. Or perhaps, I will play the victim, and then you will need to take care of me, and show me sympathy.
I am most certain to accuse the adult victim of everything that I have done and continue to do to them. Your other parent, a victim of my covert and possibly overt abuse for years, may be triggered by your behaviors, which will make it harder for both of you to cope. I will most certainly block any form of therapy and probably turn you against family and friends that are important parts of your life, protective parts, particularly if they are people who support the adult victim.
This is my goal, to destroy any relationship you have with the adult victim, to destroy any parts of your life that are good and positive for your development. It keeps me in power, and that is always what is best for me. If I can compromise you, if I can make you aware of the fact that you are invaluable to me, that you are only an object, then in that you will not value yourself.
And then, you may in fact have maladaptive coping. The end result, maybe you are seeking similar relationships in your own life, or being the perfect prey for abuse or even possibly an offender. And it is possible, due to the course of control, that that you have experienced, that you will have significant trauma manifested in self sufficiency issues, trust issues, anxiety, and or depression with self medication or other types of self harm the result.
None of this matters to me. All that really matters is that you no longer have any affection for the other parent. All that really matters is that I have entirely fractured that attachment. All that really matters is that I win.
