Extinguishing the Fire: Helping Our Children Heal from Coercive Control

Children who have been exposed to coercive control carry an immense amount of shame. Dr. Stark refers to them as secondary victims, acknowledging that their abuse is secondary to the primary focus of the abuser – the protective parents. It is disheartening to witness our children treating us poorly, and displaying disrespect and entitlement. However, it is essential to understand that their behavior is often fueled by the coercive controller.

Understanding Trauma Reactions:

Children who have experienced trauma may display various trauma reactions, including fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses. These reactions are our bodies’ natural defense mechanisms, developed to protect us in times of emergency. However, it is crucial to recognize that these coping mechanisms may become maladaptive and unhealthy in the long run.

Guiding our Children Towards Healthier Coping Mechanisms:

As survivors of complex trauma ourselves, we understand the journey of learning new, healthier ways of coping. Our goal is to guide our children on a similar path, showing them that their current coping mechanisms are not beneficial or healthy for them. It is important to avoid shaming them, as they are already burdened with intense shame due to their experiences.

Fight Mode: Bullying in Disguise

When our children are in fight mode, it can often feel like they are bullying us. This behavior may stem from their observations of the abuser’s tactics as they emulate them. It is crucial to remember that they are caught in a battle they didn’t choose to be a part of. The key is to guide them towards new ways of coping without shaming them for their current behavior.

Flight Mode: Anxiety and Avoidance

Flight mode manifests as anxiety, fear, panic, avoidance, and disassociation. Our children might struggle to sit still or constantly worry. It is essential to understand that their flight response is a result of feeling trapped and overwhelmed. By creating a safe and supportive environment, we can help alleviate their anxiety and provide reassurance.

Freeze Mode: Immobility and Emotional Numbness

Freeze mode is characterized by feelings of depression, immobility, and emotional numbness. Children in freeze mode may find it challenging to set boundaries and may often resort to people-pleasing behaviors. They need our support and understanding as they navigate through these distressing experiences.

Fawning Mode: People-Pleasing and Difficulty with Boundaries

Fawning mode, marked by people-pleasing tendencies and difficulty setting boundaries, is another response to coercive control. Our children have learned to cope by appeasing the abuser to avoid harm. It is important to acknowledge their struggles and guide them toward recognizing healthier ways to assert themselves.

Empowering Our Children: Teaching Them Authenticity and Unconditional Love

Our ultimate goal is to create an environment where our children feel safe being their authentic selves. Despite the false narratives they have been fed, we must hold space for them and continuously reinforce our unconditional love and positive regard. They need to understand that they are worthy of love, and their past behaviors do not define them.

Understanding the Fear of the Abuser:

Our children’s fear of the abuser plays a significant role in their behavior. They feel compelled to align with the abuser to avoid facing similar treatment or rejection. The abuser deliberately fosters this black-and-white thinking, manipulating our children into complying with their demands. We need to be aware of this dynamic and offer our children a safe space to express their fears.

De-escalating Conflicts: A Gentle Approach

When conflicts arise, it is crucial to de-escalate the situation by responding with kindness and empathy. By using “I” statements and emphasizing shared values, we can create a soft and safe space within our homes. Instead of engaging in power struggles, we can choose to disengage and revisit the issue at a later, calmer moment.

Parenting Differently: Adapting to the Needs of Abused Children

Abused children require different parenting techniques as they navigate the effects of coercive control. We cannot parent them in the same way we would parent non-abused children. It is essential to acknowledge their unique experiences and avoid reinforcing the negative narratives they have internalized.

Extinguishing the Fire: Healing Our Children’s Wounded Hearts

Coercive control ignites a fire within our children, a fire fueled by shame and manipulation. To extinguish this fire, we must consistently show up as loving, accepting parents. We need to offer them a lifeline, a space where they can release their pain without fearing rejection. Our primary role is to carry their pain and provide unconditional love, reassuring them that they are not alone.

Navigating the aftermath of coercive control is a challenging journey, but you can help our children heal. By understanding their trauma reactions, guiding them toward healthier coping mechanisms, and providing unconditional love, you can empower them to reclaim their authentic selves. Remember, you are not alone in this struggle. Reach out for support and continue to show up for your children, guiding them towards a brighter, shame-free future.