Coercive controllers work relentlessly to fracture a child’s attachment with the protective parent. Your job is to be just as intentional about preserving it. This means being the steady, safe presence they can return to when they are ready.
Clarity Without Confrontation
Children in these situations are often confused. They hear one reality at the coercive controller’s home and experience another with you. While you cannot directly challenge the abuser’s lies, you can help your child develop critical thinking skills.
- Name behaviors, not people. Instead of saying, “That is not true, your father/mother is lying,” say, “Sometimes people say things that aren’t fair or kind. What do you think?”
- Validate their feelings. If they seem distant or angry, acknowledge it. “I see that you’re upset. You can always talk to me about anything.”
- Give them language for manipulation. Teaching terms like “fairness,” “respect,” and “trust” helps them recognize when those things are missing.
Consistency is More Powerful Than Control
A coercive controller’s influence is based on fear, guilt, and instability. Your influence must come from predictability, patience, and unconditional love.
- Keep showing up, even when they pull away.
- Respond calmly, even when they test you.
- Be the parent they expect to find, no matter what the abuser says about you.
The Long Game
Some children see the truth early. Others take years. Regardless of how long it takes, the protective parent’s role remains the same: stay steady, stay open, and stay connected.
The coercive controller’s grip may be strong, but it is not absolute. The more secure a child feels with you, the more likely they are to break free from the manipulation.
In the next and final post, I am going to talk about my CIA Framework for Protective Parenting.
