“Coercive control is child abuse.”
That statement may feel harsh to some, but not calling it what it is would be a lie.
When a coercive controller manipulates and conditions a child, teaching them to distrust, fear, or reject their protective parent – it is abuse.
It is a deeply insidious form of psychological warfare, and as a protective parent, you are on the front lines.
If you are parenting a child who is being coercively controlled, you are doing the hardest work there is under the most challenging circumstances.
You are trying to hold onto your child’s attachment to you while an abuser actively works to fracture it. It’s a malicious fracturing of attachment – a harmful act against a child – when we know that attachment is vital to healthy development.
You are trying to help your child feel safe and loved while they are being conditioned to believe that love is conditional.
You are parenting a child who is overwhelmed, dysregulated, and lost – yet whose behaviors may be blamed on you.
This blog will validate for you the experiences of your child – experiences very similar to your own experiences – and support your understanding exactly what is happening behind the scenes when your child is with the coercive controller.
In this four-part blog series, we will break down the harsh reality of coercive control’s impact on children and give you the critical strategies to protect your bond, even when the system fails to intervene.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
✅ How Coercive Controllers Manipulate Children – Understanding the psychological tactics they use to gain power.
✅ Why Children Align with the Abuser (and Why It’s Not Their Fault) – The survival-based reasons behind a child’s rejection of the safe parent.
✅ How Protective Parents Can Maintain and Rebuild Connection – The key strategies to counteract coercive control’s damage.
✅ The CIA Framework for Protective Parenting – How Creativity, Intentionality, and Attunement can preserve attachment, even in the worst circumstances.
No matter how far the coercive controller has pulled your child away, your bond is not broken. Your power lies in your unwavering love, your consistency, and your refusal to let coercive control define your child’s future.
How Coercive Controllers Manipulate Children
Coercive control is not just about dominating a partner. It’s about dominating an entire family system.
And that includes children.
A coercive controller’s ultimate goal is to fracture the child’s attachment to the protective parent and mold them into an extension of themselves.
Remember, this is not just about harming the protective parent. This is about control, power, and ensuring that the child is fully under their influence.
Children in Survival Mode: The “Wolf in the Home” Effect
Imagine coming home each day knowing there was a wolf inside. Some days, the wolf is calm. Other days, it attacks.
You never know which version you’re going to get, so you learn to watch, anticipate, and adjust your behavior to keep the wolf at bay.
This is what children living under coercive control experience.
Their nervous system is in constant survival mode, scanning for danger, adjusting to unpredictable moods, and doing whatever it takes to stay safe.
They learn:
- Who they are is not acceptable.
- Their needs come second to the abuser’s demands.
- Compliance equals safety.
This is not conscious, it’s instinct. Their brain is protecting them.
The Tactics of a Coercive Controller
Coercive controllers use a mix of psychological warfare, manipulation, and conditioning to make the child dependent on them and distrustful of the protective parent. Some of their most common tactics include:
Gaslighting
Convincing the child that their protective parent is unstable, unsafe, or unloving. “Your mom/dad doesn’t really care about you.”
Triangulation
Using the child as a messenger or spy, creating secrecy and division.
Guilt & Obligation
Making the child feel responsible for their emotions. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t want to go to the other house.”
Withholding Love
Love and approval are conditional. The child must align with the abuser to “earn” their place.
Overindulgence or Neglect
Some abusers become the “fun parent” (no rules, all gifts) or the victim who needs care—either way, the child is manipulated into prioritizing them.
At its core, this is psychological abuse. And yet, many protective parents are forced to watch it happen while being told they must co-parent with their abuser.
But here’s what the coercive controller cannot do—they cannot fully erase the bond – the attachment – between you and your child.
That’s why, despite the manipulation, there is still hope. And that’s what we’ll explore in the next section.
