Coercive controllers are strategic. Protective parents must be too. The key is to create consistent, authentic connection without pressure or expectation. This is where the CIA framework comes in: Creativity, Intentionality, and Attunement.
Creativity: Finding New Ways to Connect
When a child is being manipulated, direct conversations about the coercive controller often backfire. Instead, focus on shared experiences that build trust.
- Engage in activities they enjoy without forcing conversation.
- Use humor and playfulness to ease tension.
- Create rituals that feel safe and familiar, like a bedtime routine or a weekend tradition.
Intentionality: Showing Up With Purpose
The coercive controller is teaching your child that you are unstable, unsafe, or unloving. Every interaction is an opportunity to quietly prove them wrong.
- Stay calm, even when they test you.
- Follow through on promises, no matter how small.
- Keep your focus on connection, not correction.
Attunement: Meeting Them Where They Are
A child who is caught in coercive control may seem distant or even hostile. This is not personal. It is a survival response.
- Give them space when they need it, but remain present.
- Pay attention to when they are most open to connection and meet them there.
- Let them lead interactions whenever possible.
The Power of Patience
This process takes time. A child who has been conditioned to distrust you will not shift overnight. But every moment of connection strengthens the foundation for healing.
Keep Showing Up
Coercive controllers manipulate, isolate, and instill fear, but they cannot fully erase the attachment between you and your child. No matter how much damage has been done, connection can be rebuilt.
This process is not linear. A child who sees things clearly today may align with the abuser tomorrow. This does not mean you have failed. It means the coercive controller is still applying pressure, and your child is still navigating survival.
Your role is to be the steady presence they can return to.
- Stay patient, even when they push you away.
- Stay consistent, even when it feels like nothing is changing.
- Stay open, so when they are ready, they know that you are right there waiting for them.
The coercive controller operates from fear, control, and instability. You operate from love, trust, and consistency. In the end, that is what lasts.
Ready to Take Action?
If you are a protective parent navigating the challenges of raising a child who has been or is being abused by a parent who is a coercive controller, I have a signature program that will be starting in March that can help.
Get trauma-informed support along with educational tools and a supportive community to become an empowered mama who is able to clearly demonstrate to your child that YOU are their safe haven.
Click HERE to learn more about the Protective Parenting Program.
